Struggling with your German? Silence is often golden...
It is not just the intricate word order, the long list of grammatical rules and the gender choices that make German a difficult language to master. Sometimes the most baffling thing about the language, I’ve decided, is realizing when to speak it and when to remain silent.
Take, for instance, the mysterious social etiquette that I regularly witness in Munich elevators. After years of living in the city, I am still somewhat surprised by the unexpected tendency of strangers to greet each other in lifts. I can never quite adjust to the hearty German “hellos” when I enter a lift followed by the loud “good-byes” when I leave. And what puzzles me most, is what to say in the conversational void that inevitably falls between that “hello” and “good-bye.” Or maybe conversation is just not the done thing?
The other day I was greeted with a particularly friendly “Guten Tag” as I stepped into a lift. It was so friendly, in fact, that I broke an unspoken rule and decided to strike up a conversation with the bearded man standing next to me. The gray walls of the lift around us didn’t offer much inspiration so I resorted to a comment about the weather. My comment was met with a slight grimace and cold silence. And that silence continued until my fellow elevator-occupier muttered the obligatory “Auf Wiedersehen” and exited the lift at the next floor. Indeed, I couldn’t help but notice that he left rather hurriedly, no doubt concerned that he had been traveling in the same lift as someone with no idea of German elevator etiquette.
It is not just conversations in lifts that confuse me. I face similar problems in saunas. It has taken me a while to shed my traditional British reserve and happily sit there naked, minus the defensive cover of my bikini, with a group of strangers. When I’m with my boyfriend, I feel that I can merrily chat away with him in subdued tones in the corner of the sauna. But it is when I’m there without him that I really start to find it baffling. Here I am, sitting in a small room in a boiling hot environment with several naked people. It always feels like some sort of pagan ritual. Surely in this most intimate of scenarios it would be normal to have a friendly chat and share a few of your innermost secrets with the person sweating away next to you? But no. I join in with the obligatory “hello” and “good-bye” when entering and leaving the sauna and fall silent in between, just like everyone else.
Conversations in shops also baffle me. Whenever I enter a small shop, with the intention of just browsing or making an impulse buy, it is guaranteed that the shop attendant will spring up from behind a counter, focus her full attention on me and ask me what I want to buy. A vague answer, such as “oh, a present for someone,” is inevitably follow-ed by probing questions about the recipient’s age, hobbies and favorite color. Before I know it, I’m engaged in a lengthy conversation about likes and dislikes. After five minutes of chat, I feel a growing obligation to purchase something and inevitably leave the shop with something that I don’t really want.
The opposite seems to happen whenever I enter one of Munich’s large stores with an express purchase in mind. All the shop attendants I try to speak to seem to have advanced hearing disorders. If they do acknowledge that I’m speaking to them, then I often receive a blank stare in reply. They all seem to be busy walking in the opposite direction and not in the mood to chat.
The silent approach also seems to apply to people working in Munich bars and cafés. Whenever I am waiting to be served the waiter or waitress appears oblivious to my request for a menu. When I am ready to pay, however, the same waiter or waitress suddenly appears considerably more friendly and in the mood for a chat. They become particularly talkative when I am fumbling around in my wallet to find some change for a tip.
At least I can count on a familiar conversation while at the hairdressers. One thing that Munich hairdressers seem to share with all others around the globe is a tendency to ask: “going anywhere nice tonight?” or “have you booked your holiday yet?” while shampoo drips into your eyes.
The other reassuring conversation is with Munich dentists. You just know that after five minutes of silence, your friendly dentist is going to ask “What brought you to Munich?” And more often than not, it’s just as he inserts a large instrument into your mouth, making it impossible to speak… <<<
