Herr Stoiber Gets His Tongue in a Twist
German political speeches have a reputation of being very long and drawn-out and of eliciting a long, drawn-out applause. (Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed how much Germans like clapping?) Which is why it makes a refreshing, and very funny, change to hear of a speech given by Bavarian Minister-President Edmund Stoiber earlier this year. In what we hope was an impromptu address promoting plans to build a Transrapid train service linking Munich to its airport in just ten minutes, Stoiber left onlookers, well, absolutely baffled. He began—and this was before the Starkbier barrel had been tapped: “If you—from Munich Central Train Station—with ten minutes—without having to check in at the airport, then you basically start at the airport, at, at the Central Train Station in Munich, you start your flight—ten minutes.” This is not a bad translation; it’s a true account of what Bavaria’s top politician said. (If you don’t believe us, or if you just want a very good laugh, you can listen to a recording of the original on our Website—www.munichfound.com.) And it gets better: “Look at the big airports—if you in Heathrow in London or somewhere else, my dear ladies and Charles de Gaulle in, er, France or in er, er, Rome, if you look at the distances, if you look at Frankfurt, then you’ll see that ten minutes—you need at least all the time in Frankfurt to find your gate—if you start from your flight, er, from, from the Central Train Station, you get in at the Central Train Station, you travel with the Transrapid to the airport in ten minutes in to Franz-Josef-Strauss airport, then you practically take off at the Central Train Station.”
Right. So that’s clear then. I suspect this dubious project will need a touch more PR than that if it’s going to get off the ground, so to speak. But that’s beside the point. Whatever happened to the days when eloquence was considered a prerequisite for politicians? These are the people, after all, who we rely on to sit with their colleagues from around the world and debate major political issues. If they can’t even make themselves clear in their own language, what hope do they have in a foreign one? Imagine just how easy it must be for misunderstandings to occur. Munich-London, ten minutes? WMD, Baghdad-London, 45 minutes? It doesn’t bear thinking about.
Instead of the great rousing speeches of days gone by, politicians are now going down in the history books for their great blunders. There is no better example, of course, than George Dubya himself, the president of the United States. It beggars belief that someone renowned for fluffing his lines can be elected the world’s most powerful man: “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we,” he said, on August 5, 2004. “They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” D’oh! “You teach a child to read,” he uttered, “and he or her will pass a literacy test.” D’oh! “Families is where our nation finds hope,” he said, “where wings take dream.” D’oh! And the list goes on. A quick flit around the Internet will reveal site after site where you can create a Bushesque speech and watch him make it.
In the UK, meanwhile, John Prescott is another one prone to the not-so-occasional gaffe. The Deputy Prime Minister once announced he was “glad to be back on terra cotta,” as he stepped out of an airplane. Then, during the 2005 election campaign, he gave this impromptu speech: “We said we’d provide more turches, churches teachers… and we have,” he began, badly. But instead of throwing in the can and admitting defeat straight off, Prescott dug and dug and dug. “I can remember when people used to say the Japanese are better than us, the Germans are better than us, the French are better than us, well it’s great to be able to say we’re better than them. I think Mr Kennedy, well, we all congratulate on his baby, and the Tories, are you remembering what I’m remembering boom and bust remember; Mr Howard, I mean, are you thinking what I’m thinking I’m remembering—it’s all a bit wonky isn’t it?”
Wonky? We couldn’t have put it better ourselves.
